How to deal with a mooching friend
William Clark
Updated on March 29, 2026
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People in healthy relationships expect to receive and return favors in roughly equal amounts. However, a moocher habitually takes more than he gives. You might start feeling used if you’re constantly going out of your way to accommodate or provide for this person, without being appreciated or repaid. Feeling that someone is taking advantage of you can lead to resentment, which can damage your relationship, so pay attention to the signs before it’s too late.
Convinces You to Pay
A moocher asks you to cover her part of the bill, not just once, but multiple times. She always has an excuse, whether she forgot her wallet at home or she promises to pay you back when she gets her next paycheck. You may especially find yourself in this situation if you make more money than she does, noted Jeanne Fleming, author of “Isn’t It Their Turn to Pick Up the Check?” in an interview on National Public Radio. A moocher will take advantage of the wage gap, even if she is capable of covering her own expenses, because she assumes that her unpaid loans cause you no inconvenience. Before lending a suspected moocher money, ask yourself whether she truly needs it, suggests Fleming.
What’s Yours Is His
Moochers make themselves welcome to your things, with or without your permission. You will find a moocher helping himself to the food in your fridge or borrowing your office supplies without asking you first. He has no sense of boundaries and acts entitled to your property, according to therapist Deborah Mecklinger, in her article, “Lighten Your Load: Strategies For Dealing With Freeloading Friends and Family.” Set limits and be clear about what is not acceptable when it comes to your belongings.
Relies on Expected Favors
Some moochers take advantage of your kindness and eventually expect you to do whatever they ask. She may word her requests as if you have no choice but to grant them. For example, “Can you babysit my kids? I already told them to go to your house straight from school. Just order pizza for dinner.” Once you have done the initial favor, she may start to assume that you will be willing and available for all future requests. What started out as one generous ride home may turn into a daily routine.
Doesn’t Reciprocate
Be wary of a friend, family member or partner who asks for a lot but never reciprocates. A moocher does not return the same amount of time, energy or money he has drained from you. He only comes to you when he needs something and is not available when you ask for similar favors. When you realize that the relationship is one-sided, it is time to stand up for yourself. Say no when his requests are inconvenient for you and repeat your refusal if he continues to ask.
(LifeWire) — During an evening out at a San Francisco bar some years ago, Matt Colling and a friend ended up buying drinks all around. But when it came time to pay the $100 tab, Colling was on his own.
“I pulled out money and I was the only one that had any,” the 28-year-old bartender remembers. His friend had conveniently “forgotten his wallet.”
Whether it’s stiffing drinking buddies with the check, bumming rides, “borrowing” cigarettes or sponging off meals, moochers can push the limits of friendship by making a habit of manipulating others to avoid paying their fair share.
Brandon Ward, a sports marketing executive in San Diego, got an early lesson in dealing with deadbeats. Now 37 and married, Ward readily remembers a former roommate who rarely picked up his fair share, including his portion of a weekend trip that involved four tanks of gas and three cases of beer.
For Ward, it wasn’t so much the money as the principle. “He never pulled out his wallet. If he had even offered, there was a chance I would have said no. That was the big sin.”
No matter how charming they may be, a friend who mooches isn’t really a friend, says Jeanne Fleming, a financial ethics columnist for Money magazine who also holds a Ph.D in sociology. “Moochers are fundamentally motivated by being selfish and self-centered,” she says. “They habitually forgive their behavior. But the truth is that it’s complete self-indulgence. It’s not benign.”
From friend to freeloader
At what point does a friend become a mooch? It’s a matter of frequency.
“Everybody has at some point asked a friend for 20 bucks and forgotten to pay it back,” says Fleming, who researched relationship offenders for a book she co-authored with Leonard Schwarz, her “Money” magazine writing partner. But mooching begins when reciprocating ends. Or maybe when you start asking the tightwad to pick up his fare share of expenses.
When the authors asked 800 people nationwide to choose between a relative hitting them up for a large loan or getting a bad case of the flu, over two-thirds said they’d take the flu. That may be because 36 percent of Americans in the survey had at least one family member who is a moocher, and 32 percent were saddled with a deadbeat friend.
Fleming and Schwarz also questioned 1,000 adults across the country for another survey and found that a whopping 95 percent had lent money to friends or family members. Over a third of those had lent more than $1,000. And the chances of seeing their money again? Forty-three percent weren’t repaid in full for the largest loan they ever made to friends or relatives, and 27 percent were never repaid at all.
But mooching isn’t limited to money, which can make it harder to know when to draw the line. Take 35-year-old journalist Colin Sullivan of San Francisco. As a writer for Greenwire.com, he says he takes pains to minimize his carbon footprint, and carpooling is a one effective tactic.
But when a close friend adopted a habit of bumming rides — “He’s the kind of guy who would just assume that if we were going somewhere that I would be picking him up” — Sullivan felt torn between being environmentally responsible and being a chauffeur. Even then, Sullivan chalked it up to his friend being “a tight-ass about money,” which he believes isn’t the worst fault in the world.
Fleming sees it another way: Cars are expensive to own and operate. “They think they’re being green and maybe they are,” she says, “but they’re also mooches.”
Ending the free ride
Moochers are successful because people are sheepish about confronting them, says Fleming. “You’re not supposed to care about money,” she says.”You’re not supposed to notice when your friends are flawed on this front.” And by the time you do notice, it’s often difficult to break the pattern.
Dealing with moochers is tricky even for etiquette experts like Lizzie Post, who keeps an eye on America’s “civility barometer” at the Emily Post Institute in Vermont. Even the great-great-granddaughter of America’s manners matriarch has had to request repayment for small loans and dinners out. But she, too, understands how it’s tempting to let uncomfortable matters slide.
“It’s hard because these issues aren’t etiquette,” she says, “they’re more social and relationship issues.”
But it’s not impossible. Suggestions from the experts include nipping the habit in the bud by learning to say no — politely — to loans, tabs and rides. Post advises planning ahead by deciding whose turn it is to pay before you even leave the house. And if that’s not possible, you can always ask for separate checks.
If your moocher is a close friend, you may want to give him a chance to change. But a perfectly reasonable response to repeat offenders is to drop the friendship. That may actually turn out to be a favor because mooching is a self-correcting habit, says Fleming. “If a moocher loses enough friends, they modify their behavior.”
And that’s ultimately how Ward handled his old friend, the deadbeat roommate.
After their one-sided weekend vacation, Ward joined his roommate and others at a local pub for a few rounds of beer. Everyone took turns buying, but when it was the roommate’s turn to pay, he was — where else? — in the bathroom. The second time he tried the disappearing act, Ward called him on it.
“I don’t remember inviting him out again,” says Ward.
“Ask Brianna” is a column from NerdWallet for 20-somethings or anyone else starting out. I’m here to help you manage your money, find a job and pay off student loans — all the real-world stuff no one taught us how to do in college. Send your questions about postgrad life to [email protected]
Nothing kills a night out with friends like people trying to dodge the check. One person may regularly “forget” his wallet. Another doesn’t protest — ever — when you offer to pick up the tab.
Ongoing spending differences may strain your relationships and hurt your financial goals. A budget calculator will reveal just how generous you can afford to be. But if you’re unhappy with a friend who consistently doesn’t pay her share, fix it before resentment takes hold. Here’s how.
Identify the underlying issue
You will have a range of financial personalities among friends. Sort out the ones you can live with from the ones who make you feel shortchanged.
The nickel-and-dimer: Some friends prefer to pay only for what they consumed, down to the penny, even when the group wants to split the check evenly.
While stinginess isn’t exactly mooching, it may breed a similar feeling of resentment. Still, though your friend’s preference is different from yours, there’s nothing inherently wrong with it. In this instance, it’s up to you to accept your friend can’t or doesn’t want to pay extra, and move on.
“A sensitive friend looks at the big picture and says, ‘OK, this might be a quirk that I don’t have, but it’s also probably the fairest way to go about this,’” says Andrea Bonior, a clinical psychologist and author of “The Friendship Fix.”
That’s especially true if your friend forgoes costly cocktails or orders less-expensive dishes. A number of mobile apps exist to simplify check-splitting.
The cash-crunched: A friend who is between jobs or who just put a security deposit on a new apartment might not have spare fun money. But if he’s not a frequent bill dodger and you want to go out with him, picking up the tab occasionally is fine, says Irene S. Levine, a psychologist and creator of The Friendship Blog. Again, understanding your own budget constraints can help you gauge the right frequency.
If your friend’s cash crunch is longer-term — he has a lower-paying job than you, say — consider cheaper entertainment like a night at home binge-watching “RuPaul’s Drag Race.” You’ll save money and patience, and your friend won’t feel endlessly indebted to you.
The chronic freeloader: The trouble starts when your generosity becomes expected. Some friends actively avoid paying their share. Perhaps they conveniently retire to the bathroom before the check comes or, when you travel together, don’t reimburse you for the hotel until months later, if at all. This can lead to anger and bitterness. If you care about saving the friendship, a mature, respectful discussion is your next step.
Talk it out
Instead of holding a grudge, Bonior suggests you pick a time to have a private conversation that’s not in the moment — not, for instance, when your friend says her paycheck is late and she’ll cover drinks next time.
When you’re in a place where you both feel comfortable, say, “This is really awkward, but remember when you put that concert ticket on my credit card? You still haven’t paid me back, and I could really use the money.” Or “I feel a little frustrated because you haven’t thrown in cash for drinks lately.”
Go with “I” statements, which focus the conversation on how you feel, rather than attacking your friend’s character.
Know when to move on
Friends may take time to address your concerns. But if three months later the same issues continue to crop up, say something. Again. If you have a sense of how much money you’ve expended covering shortfalls since you first talked, let your friend know. At this point, it may be time to re-evaluate your relationship.
“If a friendship consistently makes you feel drained, put upon, used or stressed, it’s time to move on,” Levine says.
That doesn’t require announcing your friendship is over. Start by turning down your friend’s invitations and slowly extricating yourself from daily interactions. If your friend asks what’s going on, you can be honest; but remember you don’t have to feel guilty for letting the friendship fizzle. Your happiness — and bank account — are too precious to squander.
Brianna McGurran is a staff writer at NerdWallet. Email: [email protected] . Twitter: @briannamcscribe.
This article was written by NerdWallet and was originally published by The Associated Press.
Have you ever had a mooching friend who takes advantage of your generosity? Lisa B. Marshall, aka The Public Speaker, can help you create a healthier relationship.
I get lots of interesting questions emailed to me, and here’s one I really wanted to share with you. There are times in our lives when we all find ourselves with a person who just takes and takes . and I hope my advice will help.
I have seen your website with a lot of helpful information about how to be diplomatic and I would like to know your opinion about what words one should use to stop someone exploiting others unscrupulously. My husband has a” friend” who only calls when he needs something to be done for him or to get some free tax and financial advice. When he comes to London, he uses my husband as a free driver for him and his friends, etc. When we go to the restaurant he never pays for himself, and recently not even for his girlfriend. He takes advantage with a big smile on his face.
Thanks for your advice,
Dealing with a Moocher
Anna, it’s interesting that you put the word “friend” in quotes, and of course, your instinct was right. A friend is someone who shares something in common with you and whose company you enjoy. You mutually benefit from the relationship, and you’re both happy to continue it. A moocher, however, is someone who expects benefits from a relationship without providing any in return. This guy sounds like a moocher. So, how do you deal with this guy? Well, the first thing we need to consider is your husband’s feelings towards his behavior.
How Should You Feel When Someone Is Using You?
Some people really don’t mind when others take advantage of them. They really, sincerely enjoy helping others and perhaps they benefit from the relationship in that way. And that’s totally fine. Anna, if your husband doesn’t mind his “friend” mooching off him, for the sake of your own peace of mind, you will have to just accept that your husband is okay with this behavior. If, however, he’s not happy, he will begin to experience some stress over it, and that’s not good for his health.
So let’s discuss how to deal with moochers, when you want to remain diplomatic.
How to Politely Stop a Moocher
It helps to first try to determine the other person’s perspective. Does he realize he’s taking advantage? Is he just lonely? Is this his way of reaching out? Looking at the other person without anger or resentment can help you deal with a person with respect and kindness. However, it’s still crucial to set boundaries. If a person calls expecting a ride, a simple “I’m not available” should suffice. To make the point more clear, your husband could give the man the number of a taxi service. “I’m sorry, I’m not available. Here’s the number of a reliable taxi service that I’ve used.” (Then he can’t argue, “But I don’t know else who to call!”)
If a person has a habit of inviting himself to a restaurant without the expectation of paying, your husband could say, “We would love to have a meal with you. Can we go dutch? Right now Anna and I are only able to pay for ourselves.” If he wanted to be more direct, he could add, “Are you able to cover your dinner? If not, unfortunately, we won’t be able to go.” This should make the point clear, and usually, after one or two rebuffs like this, he should get the hint.
Have you got a friend who constantly avoids splitting the bill every time you go out or comes out with the most cliche reason of all time that he or she forgot the wallet at home? And in the end, it is you who has to burn a hole in your own pocket. Well, chances are that you got a moocher friend, who won’t feel shy in placing an order for the most expensive item on the menu and would then ask you to pay. Even after you have expressed your disagreement over this, you do not see any positive change coming so far.
If you are already searching for ways to deal with such a moocher friend then fret no more as we are here to help you.
1. Find Out The Reason Behind It
It could be possible that your friend is going through a financial crisis or comes from a weak financial background. Before judging your friend, make sure you are well aware of his or her financial condition. Rather than making fun of your friend, you can think about ways to help him or her. You can limit your outings with your friend until he or she becomes financially stable.
2. Confront Him/Her About This
If your friend is not going through any financial crisis and is having financial stability, but never steps forward to pay or split the bill then you can surely confront him or her about it. Make sure you convey the matter in a calm and convincing way. Such as rather than telling, ‘You never pay the bill’ tell him or her that you are unable to pay the whole amount and so it would be a relief if he or she split the bill. You can also ask, “I think we need to talk about the money and decide how to pay bills every time we go out.”
3. Remind Him/Her To Carry The Wallet
At times your moocher friend will make excuses like, ‘I forgot my wallet/cash’. This may happen again and again or every time you turn towards him or her for paying the amount. For this, you can think of reminding your friend to carry his or her wallet before he or she steps out of the house. You can say, ‘Please do not forget to carry cash in your wallet, what if we find something too good to resist?’
Trust me, your friend won’t be able to make any such excuse while paying the bill.
4. Make Sure You Split The Bill
Rather than paying the bill and regretting on your action, it will be better if you split the bill in the first place only. As soon as the bill arrives tell your friend that it will be better to split the bill and pay accordingly. This will no doubt help you in dealing with the moocher friend and saving yourself from spending your entire pocket money.
5. Avoid Paying Every Time You Go Out
It might be possible that whenever you and your friend go out, you are the first one to take out the wallet and pay the bills. This happens every time and you don’t know how to put a stop to this. Let your friend take the first step next time. Your friend might ask you to pay the bill but you can make a polite denial by saying, ‘There is a shortage of money.” I hope you don’t mind paying this time’. This can be a better way to turn the table on the moocher.
6. Ask For Money In Front Of Parents
If you have tried asking for your share of money from your moocher friend but have received only blatant lies then why not ask for the same in front of his or her friends.
But here you need to be cautious if your friend’s family is suffering from the financial crisis. Else you can ask him or her to return your money while his or her parents are around. This will compel him or her to pay the amount.
7. Pay Only For What You Ordered
Even after trying the above-mentioned tips, you do not see a positive change coming along, then here is another tip for you. For this, you can pay for only what you ordered. You can also have separate bills for you and your friend. This will surely make him or she pay the bill. Your friend might feel bad for this but to cover up this you can say, ‘I do not want to split the bill. So can we please pay for our respective orders?’
There can be a situation where your friend won’t order anything simply because they have to pay for their food but will not hesitate while grabbing food from your plate.
8. Ask For The Share In Advance
If you are planning to go on a trip or order food online then rather than asking money in the end, you can ask for it. For this, you can say, ‘Well, I think we need to make a contribution to it. Let’s contribute before placing the order/ booking tickets online’. Now here you need to be quite careful as your friend may ask you to pay his or her share as well. You can politely mention that you are not having extra money and therefore, you are unable to pay for his or her share.
9. Mention His/Her Turn To Pay The Bill
The next time you go on shopping or for lunch with your friends, make sure you remind him or her to pay the bills. You can say, ‘Last time we went out, it was me who made the payment. So I think now it is your turn to pay. I hope you don’t mind’. If your friend still makes any excuses to avoid the bills, you can then avoid placing any orders for him or her.
It may be possible that your moocher friend cares for you genuinely but doesn’t want to pay. Therefore, make sure you do not become aggressive. Have an effective discussion over the money to decide how to take things forward. This will no doubt help you to deal with these situations in an effective manner/.
At first, it didn’t seem like a big deal. Your friend needed a couple bucks here and there which you lent them, you paid for a couple of the pizzas “you both ordered,” you did all the carpool driving because their car was “in the shop.” Now it’s a year later, and those few couple of times have turned into you feeling used, abused, and taken advantage of because your friend or family member has yet to shell out a single penny to help pay for anything or worse, pay you back for the many Many MANY loans they’ve taken out of the bank of you. Now that you are thoroughly pissed off, what can you do?
1. Do not apologize
Remember how you’ve been going to work to earn money to pay for stuff you want and need or to provide for your family? Yeah, you! You do not need to apologize for not being able to loan a moocher more money, or not wanting to go out to eat because you don’t have or want to spend cash for both of you to eat. It’s your friggin’ money, and you may damn well do with it what you please and if that means you spend it on you and your family, then so be it. You owe the freeloader nothing. And NO it does not matter if you are what someone else would consider rich. It is not your sole responsibility to make sure that everyone around you is taken care of just because they put out a hand and you have money. It’s not to say never loan, never help, spit on people who get in your way. but it is to say, that moocher thinks that because you have money, you are responsible for supporting them, and you’re absolutely not.
2. Confront them
A lot of people don’t have the nerve to do this, which enables the moocher and then you allow them to keep mooching. Pull them aside one day and talk to them. “Hey man, I’ve been paying your car payment for 3 months now and you haven’t paid me back, so there will be no more loans until you’ve paid me back for the loans you already owe me. If you can’t or won’t do that, then don’t expect to come to me in the future because I lent you money in good faith, and you’re not being a good friend or family member by not paying me back because now I’m losing money which isn’t fair to me at all.”
3. Get it in official writing
A lot of people loan money to moochers on good faith or on a friendly handshake, but a moocher does not respect this, so if they want something from you, make it legal. They must sign an actual legal contract in front of a witness if they want money from you in case later on down the road, you need to take them to court for bigger loans that can and will hurt you financially if not paid back.
4. Get the money upfront
Moochers get into the routine of just assuming they can con or mooch some money off of someone else in your family/friend group. So if others are also aware of this persons behavior, let everyone make it crystal clear, if you are all for example, going on the vacation, payment in full for xyz must be made up front before the trip begins. Or when you get in the car, literally ask to see this moochers wallet and confirm there is money inside because they seem to always forget their wallet or to bring money.
5. Distance yourself
Harder if you are family, but with friends, you can still be a friend to someone without being their personal bank. Hang out when you do free stuff or stuff you know they have already paid to do, or only offer to do free stuff with them so there is no need for money talk. If they inquire as to why they aren’t getting invited to more stuff, you can talk to them about it if you haven’t already, but again, you owe them no apologies. Mooching isn’t a one time thing, it’s routine, and if you’re at this point, it is long past routine.
Brianna McGurran, a columnist for personal finance website NerdWallet.com. (Photo: Jazeena Baeza / AP)
Nothing kills a night out with friends like people trying to dodge the check. One person may regularly “forget” his wallet. Another doesn’t protest — ever — when you offer to pick up the tab.
Ongoing spending differences may strain your relationships and hurt your financial goals. A budget calculator will reveal just how generous you can afford to be. But if you’re unhappy with a friend who consistently doesn’t pay her share, fix it before resentment takes hold. Here’s how:
Find out what the underlying issue is
You will have a range of financial personalities among friends. Sort out the ones you can live with from the ones who make you feel shortchanged:
■The nickel-and-dimer: Some friends prefer to pay only for what they consumed, down to the penny, even when the group wants to split the check evenly.
While stinginess isn’t exactly mooching, it may breed a similar feeling of resentment. Still, though your friend’s preference is different from yours, there’s nothing inherently wrong with it. In this instance, it’s up to you to accept your friend can’t or doesn’t want to pay extra, and move on.
“A sensitive friend looks at the big picture and says, ‘OK, this might be a quirk that I don’t have, but it’s also probably the fairest way to go about this,’ ” says Andrea Bonior, a clinical psychologist and author of “The Friendship Fix.”
That’s especially true if your friend forgoes costly cocktails or orders less-expensive dishes. A number of mobile apps exist to simplify check-splitting.
■The cash-crunched: A friend who is between jobs or who just put a security deposit on a new apartment might not have spare fun money. But if he’s not a frequent bill dodger and you want to go out with him, picking up the tab occasionally is fine, says Irene S. Levine, a psychologist and creator of The Friendship Blog. Again, understanding your own budget constraints can help you gauge the right frequency.
If your friend’s cash crunch is longer-term — he has a lower-paying job than you, say — consider cheaper entertainment like a night at home binge-watching “RuPaul’s Drag Race.” You’ll save money and patience, and your friend won’t feel endlessly indebted to you.
■The chronic freeloader: The trouble starts when your generosity becomes expected. Some friends actively avoid paying their share. Perhaps they conveniently retire to the bathroom before the check comes or, when you travel together, don’t reimburse you for the hotel until months later, if at all. This can lead to anger and bitterness. If you care about saving the friendship, a mature, respectful discussion is your next step.
Talk it out
Instead of holding a grudge, Bonior suggests you pick a time to have a private conversation that’s not in the moment — not, for instance, when your friend says her paycheck is late and she’ll cover drinks next time.
When you’re in a place where you both feel comfortable, say, “This is really awkward, but remember when you put that concert ticket on my credit card? You still haven’t paid me back, and I could really use the money.” Or “I feel a little frustrated because you haven’t thrown in cash for drinks lately.”
Go with “I’’ statements, which focus the conversation on how you feel, rather than attacking your friend’s character.
Know when to move on
Friends may take time to address your concerns. But if three months later the same issues continue to crop up, say something. Again. If you have a sense of how much money you’ve expended covering shortfalls since you first talked, let your friend know. At this point, it may be time to re-evaluate your relationship.
“If a friendship consistently makes you feel drained, put upon, used or stressed, it’s time to move on,” Levine says.
That doesn’t require announcing your friendship is over. Start by turning down your friend’s invitations and slowly extricating yourself from daily interactions. If your friend asks what’s going on, you can be honest; but remember you don’t have to feel guilty for letting the friendship fizzle. Your happiness — and bank account — are too precious to squander.
“Ask Brianna” is a column from NerdWallet for 20-somethings or anyone else starting out. Send your questions about postgrad life to [email protected]
Copyright 2017 The Associated Press. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed.
We’ve all come across a moocher in our lives; a friend or a relative who often borrows your favorite lipstick, perfume or dress, or a friend who bums free cigarettes or drinks off you all the time. We all borrow at some time or the other. Nobody thinks of refusing the first few times but when it persists, you begin to wonder. And if you value the friendship, you’ll probably overlook the bad habit; but, otherwise, what can you do about it? Here are few tips for you to deal with a mooching friend.
1. Remind the moocher
Once you’re certain that you’re dealing with a moocher, make sure that when you go out, the other person has no excuses for leaving the wallet behind. Remind your friend to check if he/she is carrying his/her wallet. Adding a smile will help you to convey the message pleasantly.
2. Be firm
If you’re lending clothes, ask the moocher when you’ll get your stuff back. If you get a feeling that your clothes may not be probably returned, then try to save your favorite clothes by making excuses or you can always tell the moocher firmly that you want your clothes immediately the next day.
3. Don’t lend money
If the moocher asks you to lend some money for the umpteenth time, you can always tell your friend that you’re facing difficult times yourself and have no cash to spare. While you may still go out with the moocher and entertain your friend at your home, it would be in your best interests not to lend ready cash.
4. Pay separately
When the plan is to visit a restaurant, insist firmly on paying separate check. You can always say that you are trying to keep a grip on your own expenses and trying to curb your desire to overspend.
Ok. I’m a nice guy, and I always assume people will reciprocate to me because its the decent thing to do but my friend is such a moocher it makes me sick.
I am the one who always has to drive. This weekend I had to drive an 1 hour and 10 minutes to a destination and we only stayed an hour. I had to pay tolls and gas. Then when they decided they wanted to leave I drove another hour and a half to another destination and we stayed for only an hour.
I had to stop to get gas twice (cost a total of 45 bucks) and they didn’t give me any gas money (i didn’t ask and they didn’t offer) However one guy did give me 20 bucks for parking and bought me coffee. (which is what the parking cost. I know its ridiculous) When my one friend gave me money for parking (20 bucks) my other friend gave 20 bucks to the kid who gave me money.
That doesn’t make much sense. I drove around for 4 and half hours (the total of me driving back and forth, to the destination and back home) to stay at the destinations for an hour, he should’ve gave me money.
My one friend can’t drive anywhere because he has an illness where he can’t drive. and my other friend doesn’t like his car because he thinks its crappy.
I always have to drive 20minutes to there house because they never drive to me. and then on top of that, I have to drive them everywhere after driving 20 minutes to get to their house. And when they do drive, they drive around there town, places that are like 2-10 minutes away. One time my friend drove 20minutes away and he asked for 20 bucks gas money. (when we first started to hang out) (at the time he use to drive me around his town a lot, but that was after i drove 20 minutes just to get to his house) And I like an a$$hole I gave it to him. This same friend has never paid me back for anything.. he’s always substituted paying me back with money with something he can get for free. For instance he took me to a restaurant where we both got free food and he said “this is me paying you back for spending 15 bucks on me playing golf”
How does spending 15bucks (me) and spending $0 (my friend) = paying someone back?
One time I tried telling him this. (through a text message, a very long one might I add. like 7 pages) and he totally flipped out on me and said “If im going to act like this I don’t want to hang out with you anymore” I probably shouldn’t have told him through a text message.. Im shy about getting into conflicts with people. Now im afraid to address this to him in person (which im thinking of doing)
because he’s might to get mad at me. and say something that doesn’t make any sense to justify his behavior of being a moocher.
My friend is dumber then dirt though. Part of me thinks he doesn’t know any better. I went to High school with him, we both went to a high school with a lot of white trash people. I personally think he’s been hanging with so many people who don’t know how to act that it’s rubbed off on him.
Also around Christmas he said to me that we were going to exchange gifts and said he would probably get me a gift card. So I went out and bought him a $20 gift card and he didn’t give me anything. To this day he hasn’t gotten me a gift. I think that is pretty $hi*ty of him. Who does that? Honestly he does such ridiculous and insane things I don’t even know how to react to it. Who pays someone back with free food? Apparently my jerk of a friend does.
I have a hard time making new friends, im afraid if I say something he will flip out. Oh I forgot to tell ya.. he a flipping drama queen and he’s dumb. So he gets mad at people for the most ridiculous reasons. If I try to explain this to him civilly, he’ll misinterpret it and overreact. So I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to lose my friends, but I Don’t want to be a doormat either.
How do I fix this situation? My parents told me if Im going to drive far ask for gas and toll money before hand.. but im afraid that he’ll start asking me for money when he drives 5 minutes from his house (which is about as far as he goes.. though he sometimes drives like 20 minutes.. its rare)
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- BRIANNA McGURRAN
- Apr 29, 2017
- Apr 29, 2017 Updated Oct 18, 2018
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“Ask Brianna” is a column from NerdWallet for 20-somethings or anyone else starting out. I’m here to help you manage your money, find a job and pay off student loans — all the real-world stuff no one taught us how to do in college. Send your questions about postgrad life to [email protected]
Nothing kills a night out with friends like people trying to dodge the check. One person may regularly “forget” his wallet. Another doesn’t protest — ever — when you offer to pick up the tab.
Ongoing spending differences may strain your relationships and hurt your financial goals. A budget calculator will reveal just how generous you can afford to be. But if you’re unhappy with a friend who consistently doesn’t pay her share, fix it before resentment takes hold. Here’s how:
Identify the issue
You will have a range of financial personalities among friends. Sort out the ones you can live with from the ones who make you feel shortchanged.
— The nickel-and-dimer: Some friends prefer to pay only for what they consumed, down to the penny, even when the group wants to split the check evenly.
While stinginess isn’t exactly mooching, it may breed a similar feeling of resentment. Still, though your friend’s preference is different from yours, there’s nothing inherently wrong with it. In this instance, it’s up to you to accept your friend can’t or doesn’t want to pay extra, and move on.
“A sensitive friend looks at the big picture and says, ‘OK, this might be a quirk that I don’t have, but it’s also probably the fairest way to go about this,’” says Andrea Bonior, a clinical psychologist and author of “The Friendship Fix.”
That’s especially true if your friend forgoes costly cocktails or orders less-expensive dishes. A number of mobile apps exist to simplify check-splitting.
— The cash-crunched: A friend who is between jobs or who just put a security deposit on a new apartment might not have spare fun money. But if he’s not a frequent bill dodger and you want to go out with him, picking up the tab occasionally is fine, says Irene S. Levine, a psychologist and creator of The Friendship Blog . Again, understanding your own budget constraints can help you gauge the right frequency.
If your friend’s cash crunch is longer-term — he has a lower-paying job than you, say — consider cheaper entertainment like a night at home binge-watching “RuPaul’s Drag Race.” You’ll save money and patience, and your friend won’t feel endlessly indebted to you.
— The chronic freeloader: The trouble starts when your generosity becomes expected. Some friends actively avoid paying their share. Perhaps they conveniently retire to the bathroom before the check comes or, when you travel together, don’t reimburse you for the hotel until months later, if at all. This can lead to anger and bitterness. If you care about saving the friendship, a mature, respectful discussion is your next step.
Instead of holding a grudge, Bonior suggests you pick a time to have a private conversation that’s not in the moment — not, for instance, when your friend says her paycheck is late and she’ll cover drinks next time.
When you’re in a place where you both feel comfortable, say, “This is really awkward, but remember when you put that concert ticket on my credit card? You still haven’t paid me back, and I could really use the money.” Or “I feel a little frustrated because you haven’t thrown in cash for drinks lately.”
Go with “I’’ statements, which focus the conversation on how you feel, rather than attacking your friend’s character.
Know when to move on
Friends may take time to address your concerns. But if three months later the same issues continue to crop up, say something. Again. If you have a sense of how much money you’ve expended covering shortfalls since you first talked, let your friend know. At this point, it may be time to reevaluate your relationship.
“If a friendship consistently makes you feel drained, put upon, used or stressed, it’s time to move on,” Levine says.
That doesn’t require announcing your friendship is over. Start by turning down your friend’s invitations and slowly extricating yourself from daily interactions. If your friend asks what’s going on, you can be honest; but remember you don’t have to feel guilty for letting the friendship fizzle. Your happiness — and bank account — are too precious to squander.
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- By Tracy East September 19, 2016 2,868 Views 2 Comments
Almost everyone will encounter a money moocher at some point. We aren’t talking about a legitimate need that someone has for a little bit of help. A moocher is a friend or relative who asks for financial help on a regular basis or who never brings enough money to cover their expenses when you go out. They may borrow your stuff, and then conveniently forget to return it. Perhaps they show up at mealtime and raid your refrigerator before they leave. A money moocher gets away with mooching because the people they exploit often feel awkward about confronting the behavior. You can learn how to say no to a money moocher.
Tips to shut down a money moocher
Use Humor
Are you procrastinating about confronting a money moocher because you don’t want to look mean and selfish? Your friend or relative likely knows that most people want to help and give to those they love, and they may take advantage of this fact. If direct confrontation makes you feel uncomfortable, consider using humor to bring up the subject. Suppose your friend always forgets to bring his wallet when you go to the movies together. The next time you plan to go to a movie with your friend, laughingly remind him not to forget his wallet this time. If you don’t make a big deal about the mooching, the moocher has less opportunity to become indignant and make you feel bad.
Give Advance Warning
If you spend time with someone who is a chronic money moocher, you should make a point of planning shared activities in advance. For instance, if you are planning to have dinner at a restaurant, before you go to dinner, tell your friend that you only have enough money to cover your own expenses, so you expect her to pay for her own meal and drinks. When you get to the restaurant, ask your server to provide separate checks. If the friend says she can’t afford to pay, cancel your plans.
You can do the same kind thing if you plan on inviting the moocher to a dinner party at your house. Allocate that individual a certain responsibility. For example, ask him to bring the dessert. When you ask them to bring along a certain thing, don’t ask anyone else to provide it, or buy it yourself just in case. Bailing out the money moocher won’t help them learn that you mean business!
Don’t Be Afraid to Ask
If you notice that a friend keeps mooching from you, politely ask her about her financial situation while you are together. Simply tell the moocher you’ve noticed she has been short on cash lately, and ask if everything is alright. Once the moocher is aware that you’ve noticed the behavior, it may be enough to put a stop to it.
Just Say No
Another way of handling a money moocher is to directly refuse the request. Tell him you are sorry, but you don’t have spare cash to accommodate him. Say no to letting him borrow. If you deny the mooching directly, be prepared for any reaction they may have, and stand your ground.
In the end, a money moocher can only continue their behavior if people allow them to continue. If you stop enabling the behavior, the mooching will stop. Remember that you have a right to object to a behavior that is unacceptable or inconvenient for you.
Consumer Education Services, Inc. (CESI) is a non-profit committed to empowering and inspiring consumers nationwide to make wise financial decisions and live debt free. Speak with a certified counselor for a free debt analysis today
(LifeWire) — During an evening out at a San Francisco bar some years ago, Matt Colling and a friend ended up buying drinks all around. But when it came time to pay the $100 tab, Colling was on his own.
“I pulled out money and I was the only one that had any,” the 28-year-old bartender remembers. His friend had conveniently “forgotten his wallet.”
Whether it’s stiffing drinking buddies with the check, bumming rides, “borrowing” cigarettes or sponging off meals, moochers can push the limits of friendship by making a habit of manipulating others to avoid paying their fair share.
Brandon Ward, a sports marketing executive in San Diego, got an early lesson in dealing with deadbeats. Now 37 and married, Ward readily remembers a former roommate who rarely picked up his fair share, including his portion of a weekend trip that involved four tanks of gas and three cases of beer.
For Ward, it wasn’t so much the money as the principle. “He never pulled out his wallet. If he had even offered, there was a chance I would have said no. That was the big sin.”
No matter how charming they may be, a friend who mooches isn’t really a friend, says Jeanne Fleming, a financial ethics columnist for Money magazine who also holds a Ph.D in sociology. “Moochers are fundamentally motivated by being selfish and self-centered,” she says. “They habitually forgive their behavior. But the truth is that it’s complete self-indulgence. It’s not benign.”
From friend to freeloader
At what point does a friend become a mooch? It’s a matter of frequency.
“Everybody has at some point asked a friend for 20 bucks and forgotten to pay it back,” says Fleming, who researched relationship offenders for a book she co-authored with Leonard Schwarz, her “Money” magazine writing partner. But mooching begins when reciprocating ends. Or maybe when you start asking the tightwad to pick up his fare share of expenses.
When the authors asked 800 people nationwide to choose between a relative hitting them up for a large loan or getting a bad case of the flu, over two-thirds said they’d take the flu. That may be because 36 percent of Americans in the survey had at least one family member who is a moocher, and 32 percent were saddled with a deadbeat friend.
Fleming and Schwarz also questioned 1,000 adults across the country for another survey and found that a whopping 95 percent had lent money to friends or family members. Over a third of those had lent more than $1,000. And the chances of seeing their money again? Forty-three percent weren’t repaid in full for the largest loan they ever made to friends or relatives, and 27 percent were never repaid at all.
But mooching isn’t limited to money, which can make it harder to know when to draw the line. Take 35-year-old journalist Colin Sullivan of San Francisco. As a writer for Greenwire.com, he says he takes pains to minimize his carbon footprint, and carpooling is a one effective tactic.
But when a close friend adopted a habit of bumming rides — “He’s the kind of guy who would just assume that if we were going somewhere that I would be picking him up” — Sullivan felt torn between being environmentally responsible and being a chauffeur. Even then, Sullivan chalked it up to his friend being “a tight-ass about money,” which he believes isn’t the worst fault in the world.
Fleming sees it another way: Cars are expensive to own and operate. “They think they’re being green and maybe they are,” she says, “but they’re also mooches.”
Ending the free ride
Moochers are successful because people are sheepish about confronting them, says Fleming. “You’re not supposed to care about money,” she says.”You’re not supposed to notice when your friends are flawed on this front.” And by the time you do notice, it’s often difficult to break the pattern.
Dealing with moochers is tricky even for etiquette experts like Lizzie Post, who keeps an eye on America’s “civility barometer” at the Emily Post Institute in Vermont. Even the great-great-granddaughter of America’s manners matriarch has had to request repayment for small loans and dinners out. But she, too, understands how it’s tempting to let uncomfortable matters slide.
“It’s hard because these issues aren’t etiquette,” she says, “they’re more social and relationship issues.”
But it’s not impossible. Suggestions from the experts include nipping the habit in the bud by learning to say no — politely — to loans, tabs and rides. Post advises planning ahead by deciding whose turn it is to pay before you even leave the house. And if that’s not possible, you can always ask for separate checks.
If your moocher is a close friend, you may want to give him a chance to change. But a perfectly reasonable response to repeat offenders is to drop the friendship. That may actually turn out to be a favor because mooching is a self-correcting habit, says Fleming. “If a moocher loses enough friends, they modify their behavior.”
And that’s ultimately how Ward handled his old friend, the deadbeat roommate.
After their one-sided weekend vacation, Ward joined his roommate and others at a local pub for a few rounds of beer. Everyone took turns buying, but when it was the roommate’s turn to pay, he was — where else? — in the bathroom. The second time he tried the disappearing act, Ward called him on it.
“I don’t remember inviting him out again,” says Ward.
“Ask Brianna” is a column from NerdWallet for 20-somethings or anyone else starting out. I’m here to help you manage your money, find a job and pay off student loans — all the real-world stuff no one taught us how to do in college. Send your questions about postgrad life to [email protected]
Nothing kills a night out with friends like people trying to dodge the check. One person may regularly “forget” his wallet. Another doesn’t protest — ever — when you offer to pick up the tab.
Ongoing spending differences may strain your relationships and hurt your financial goals. A budget calculator will reveal just how generous you can afford to be. But if you’re unhappy with a friend who consistently doesn’t pay her share, fix it before resentment takes hold. Here’s how:
IDENTIFY THE UNDERLYING ISSUE
You will have a range of financial personalities among friends. Sort out the ones you can live with from the ones who make you feel shortchanged.
—The nickel-and-dimer: Some friends prefer to pay only for what they consumed, down to the penny, even when the group wants to split the check evenly.
While stinginess isn’t exactly mooching, it may breed a similar feeling of resentment. Still, though your friend’s preference is different from yours, there’s nothing inherently wrong with it. In this instance, it’s up to you to accept your friend can’t or doesn’t want to pay extra, and move on.
“A sensitive friend looks at the big picture and says, ‘OK, this might be a quirk that I don’t have, but it’s also probably the fairest way to go about this,’” says Andrea Bonior, a clinical psychologist and author of “The Friendship Fix.”
That’s especially true if your friend forgoes costly cocktails or orders less-expensive dishes. A number of mobile apps exist to simplify check-splitting.
—The cash-crunched: A friend who is between jobs or who just put a security deposit on a new apartment might not have spare fun money. But if he’s not a frequent bill dodger and you want to go out with him, picking up the tab occasionally is fine, says Irene S. Levine, a psychologist and creator of The Friendship Blog . Again, understanding your own budget constraints can help you gauge the right frequency.
If your friend’s cash crunch is longer-term — he has a lower-paying job than you, say — consider cheaper entertainment like a night at home binge-watching “RuPaul’s Drag Race.” You’ll save money and patience, and your friend won’t feel endlessly indebted to you.
—The chronic freeloader: The trouble starts when your generosity becomes expected. Some friends actively avoid paying their share. Perhaps they conveniently retire to the bathroom before the check comes or, when you travel together, don’t reimburse you for the hotel until months later, if at all. This can lead to anger and bitterness. If you care about saving the friendship, a mature, respectful discussion is your next step.
Instead of holding a grudge, Bonior suggests you pick a time to have a private conversation that’s not in the moment — not, for instance, when your friend says her paycheck is late and she’ll cover drinks next time.
When you’re in a place where you both feel comfortable, say, “This is really awkward, but remember when you put that concert ticket on my credit card? You still haven’t paid me back, and I could really use the money.” Or “I feel a little frustrated because you haven’t thrown in cash for drinks lately.”
Go with “I″ statements, which focus the conversation on how you feel, rather than attacking your friend’s character.
KNOW WHEN TO MOVE ON
Friends may take time to address your concerns. But if three months later the same issues continue to crop up, say something. Again. If you have a sense of how much money you’ve expended covering shortfalls since you first talked, let your friend know. At this point, it may be time to re-evaluate your relationship.
“If a friendship consistently makes you feel drained, put upon, used or stressed, it’s time to move on,” Levine says.
That doesn’t require announcing your friendship is over. Start by turning down your friend’s invitations and slowly extricating yourself from daily interactions. If your friend asks what’s going on, you can be honest; but remember you don’t have to feel guilty for letting the friendship fizzle. Your happiness — and bank account — are too precious to squander.
“Ask Brianna” is a column from NerdWallet for 20-somethings or anyone else starting out. I’m here to help you manage your money, find a job and pay off student loans — all the real-world stuff no one taught us how to do in college. Send your questions about postgrad life to [email protected]
Nothing kills a night out with friends like people trying to dodge the check. One person may regularly “forget” his wallet. Another doesn’t protest — ever — when you offer to pick up the tab.
Ongoing spending differences may strain your relationships and hurt your financial goals. A budget calculator will reveal just how generous you can afford to be. But if you’re unhappy with a friend who consistently doesn’t pay her share, fix it before resentment takes hold. Here’s how:
IDENTIFY THE UNDERLYING ISSUE
You will have a range of financial personalities among friends. Sort out the ones you can live with from the ones who make you feel shortchanged.
—The nickel-and-dimer: Some friends prefer to pay only for what they consumed, down to the penny, even when the group wants to split the check evenly.
While stinginess isn’t exactly mooching, it may breed a similar feeling of resentment. Still, though your friend’s preference is different from yours, there’s nothing inherently wrong with it. In this instance, it’s up to you to accept your friend can’t or doesn’t want to pay extra, and move on.
“A sensitive friend looks at the big picture and says, ‘OK, this might be a quirk that I don’t have, but it’s also probably the fairest way to go about this,'” says Andrea Bonior, a clinical psychologist and author of “The Friendship Fix.”
That’s especially true if your friend forgoes costly cocktails or orders less-expensive dishes. A number of mobile apps exist to simplify check-splitting.
—The cash-crunched: A friend who is between jobs or who just put a security deposit on a new apartment might not have spare fun money. But if he’s not a frequent bill dodger and you want to go out with him, picking up the tab occasionally is fine, says Irene S. Levine, a psychologist and creator of The Friendship Blog . Again, understanding your own budget constraints can help you gauge the right frequency.
If your friend’s cash crunch is longer-term — he has a lower-paying job than you, say — consider cheaper entertainment like a night at home binge-watching “RuPaul’s Drag Race.” You’ll save money and patience, and your friend won’t feel endlessly indebted to you.
—The chronic freeloader: The trouble starts when your generosity becomes expected. Some friends actively avoid paying their share. Perhaps they conveniently retire to the bathroom before the check comes or, when you travel together, don’t reimburse you for the hotel until months later, if at all. This can lead to anger and bitterness. If you care about saving the friendship, a mature, respectful discussion is your next step.
Instead of holding a grudge, Bonior suggests you pick a time to have a private conversation that’s not in the moment — not, for instance, when your friend says her paycheck is late and she’ll cover drinks next time.
When you’re in a place where you both feel comfortable, say, “This is really awkward, but remember when you put that concert ticket on my credit card? You still haven’t paid me back, and I could really use the money.” Or “I feel a little frustrated because you haven’t thrown in cash for drinks lately.”
Go with “I” statements, which focus the conversation on how you feel, rather than attacking your friend’s character.
KNOW WHEN TO MOVE ON
Friends may take time to address your concerns. But if three months later the same issues continue to crop up, say something. Again. If you have a sense of how much money you’ve expended covering shortfalls since you first talked, let your friend know. At this point, it may be time to re-evaluate your relationship.
“If a friendship consistently makes you feel drained, put upon, used or stressed, it’s time to move on,” Levine says.
That doesn’t require announcing your friendship is over. Start by turning down your friend’s invitations and slowly extricating yourself from daily interactions. If your friend asks what’s going on, you can be honest; but remember you don’t have to feel guilty for letting the friendship fizzle. Your happiness — and bank account — are too precious to squander.
- SMS
- Save
Nothing kills a night out with friends like people trying to dodge the check. One person may regularly “forget” his wallet. Another doesn’t protest — ever — when you offer to pick up the tab.
Ongoing spending differences may strain your relationships and hurt your financial goals. A budget calculator will reveal just how generous you can afford to be. But if you’re unhappy with a friend who consistently doesn’t pay her share, fix it before resentment takes hold. Here’s how:
Identify the underlying issue
You will have a range of financial personalities among friends. Sort out the ones you can live with from the ones who make you feel shortchanged.
» The nickel-and-dimer: Some friends prefer to pay only for what they consumed, down to the penny, even when the group wants to split the check evenly.
While stinginess isn’t exactly mooching, it may breed a similar feeling of resentment. Still, though your friend’s preference is different from yours, there’s nothing inherently wrong with it. In this instance, it’s up to you to accept that your friend can’t or doesn’t want to pay extra, and move on.
“A sensitive friend looks at the big picture and says, ‘OK, this might be a quirk that I don’t have, but it’s also probably the fairest way to go about this,’ ” said Andrea Bonior, a clinical psychologist and author of “The Friendship Fix.”
That’s especially true if your friend forgoes costly cocktails or orders less-expensive dishes. A number of mobile apps exist to simplify check-splitting.
» The cash-crunched: A friend who is between jobs or who just put a security deposit on a new apartment might not have spare fun money. But if he’s not a frequent bill dodger and you want to go out with him, picking up the tab occasionally is fine, said Irene S. Levine, a psychologist and creator of the Friendship Blog. Again, understanding your own budget constraints can help you gauge the right frequency.
If your friend’s cash crunch is longer-term — he has a lower-paying job than you, say — consider cheaper entertainment like a night at home binge-watching “RuPaul’s Drag Race.” You’ll save money and patience, and your friend won’t feel endlessly indebted to you.
Boundaries 301: How to Deal With a Moocher
We’ve all experienced a moocher— someone who conveniently “forgets” their wallet at home every time you go out to dinner, “loses” anything you loan them, and always manages to get out of their share of a chore. If you want to maintain both the friendship and your sanity, you will have to set firm but clear boundaries to stop the mooching behavior. The key is to anticipate potential situations where the mooching will occur, and address the issue with increasing degrees of confrontation.
Steps to handling a moocher:
Joke around about their “absentmindedness”. For example, if your friend chronically “forgets” her wallet, assume that she will do so the next time you go out to dinner. Before you leave for the restaurant, smile and poke fun: “You sure you’ve got your wallet this time?” If they want to borrow something that probably isn’t going to get returned, you can say something to the effect of “Pretty soon you’re going to have my entire wardrobe!” Maintain a cheery disposition – the moocher should register that you’re on to them, although that’s not always enough to make them stop.
At a restaurant, ask for separate checks when you order. If the moocher tends to not order anything, but then picks incessantly at your dish, cough lightly on your food and say something like “You might not want to eat these nachos…I think I might be getting the flu. Why don’t I order you a separate dish?” When you order, ask for that dish to be on a separate check. If your friends might think that’s poor etiquette, say something like “I’m writing it off as a business expense; I have to have separate receipts in case I screw up and get audited!”
Casually mention on your way out to eat that you only brought enough money to pay for yourself. Or say when you’re planning the outing that everyone will be paying for themselves. Make sure you stick to this when the bill comes!
Get to the root of their financial woes. Sometimes people are genuinely in a pinch, but if you’re reading this, the moocher in question is probably someone who chronically looks for a free ride, and who you suspect is too lazy or cheap to pull their own weight. Every time they’re short on cash, make it a point to bring up his or her money issues in private, shortly afterward. Approach the matter delicately, but make it clear that you’ve noticed their pattern, so that they don’t feel like their mooching can slip under the radar:
I’ve noticed, lately, that you’ve been having a hard time pitching in when we go out. Is everything OK?
I’m a little worried about you; you seem to be short on cash, even though you just got a job/raise. Did something happen
Assign the moocher a fair share in advance. If you’re planning a road trip or dinner party, sketch out who will bring what. Make a list, and ask the mooching friend what he or she will bring. If they lament their financial situation, empathize and ask them to bring one of the less expensive items, or suggest that they cook something (which is always cheaper, but at least it requires effort). Once moochers see their names on a list, it won’t be as easy to skimp. Just make sure that whatever they’re responsible for bringing, they’re the only ones responsible for it, so that if they don’t, it’ll be noticeable to everyone involved.
This will also work for that co-worker or sibling or friend who doesn’t chip in for a community gift (for a parent, boss, etc.) yet still wants to sign his/her name for the card. Make a list!
If you have a mooching roommate, put up a whiteboard outlining chores and costs. Cross off an item whenever someone completes their task or pays their obligation. This will make it obvious that the moocher never crosses anything off.
Mention that it’s the moocher’s turn to treat. This is where it starts to get a little more confrontational. If the moocher turns you down somehow, or seems to blow the question off, you must threaten to cancel the event, and mean it.
Since I drove last time, can you do it this time around? -Oh, you can’t? Well, OK. I’m having second thoughts about going, anyway.
I covered the tab last week, can you cover it this week? -If you can’t, that’s fine. Maybe we should find something else to do. Can you cover a game of pool?
Since last time we had lunch/dinner at my house, do you want to do it at your house this time? -Well, if we can’t pin down a host, we might need to cancel the get-together. I can host once in a while, but not all the time.
Turn the tables. Since there have been plenty of times when you helped them out, test them and see if they’ll return the favor. Mooch off of them. “Forget” your wallet, ask them to loan you money, borrow their clothes, and see what happens. It may feel unnatural for you, but you might really discover your friend’s true colors by doing this. Don’t wait until you’re really in a pinch, only to discover that your friend will leave you high and dry.
Address any mutual friends. If you have mutual friends with the moocher, you may want to speak with them about the moocher’s behavior in as diplomatic a way as possible. It’s best if you can present a united front. For example, say “Joe’s a really cool guy, and he’s a lot of fun to hang out with, but I’ve noticed he really doesn’t pitch in whenever we go out as a group, and I’m worried that it will put a strain on our friendship. It would be great if we could do something about it so we don’t have to have problems.” If you don’t want to (or can’t) drop the friendship, you might need to have some kind of intervention. Financial issues can tear people apart, so don’t let your friend’s mooching habits ruin your relationship.
Tips
Be persistent. It takes time to change a behavior, so you will have to be firm in modifying your response to the moocher.
Be clear that you like the person’s company and personality, but do not like a particular behavior.
If they ask to “borrow” money just say, “I don’t have any money on me.” Or to avoid a possible fib, “I don’t have enough money to loan.” It works. Moochers often ask to “borrow” money only to not pay you back.
Break your friendship. If they are only your friends to take advantage of you, it is probably better that you break your friendships with them.
Watch out for enablers, who are either oblivious to the moocher’s behavior, or actively encourage it. Make sure you handle their behavior diplomatically.
Be Careful These tips may in turn hurt your friend. If you really consider the MOOCHER a friend, you might want to help them out once in a while.
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爱占便宜的朋友—同他们的相处之道
(LifeWire) — During an evening out at a San Francisco bar some years ago, Matt Colling and a friend ended up buying drinks all around . But when it came time to pay the $100 tab, Colling was on his own .
（火线）——几年前的傍晚麦特·科林和一个朋友在旧金山的大街上找酒喝撞到这个酒吧。喝完酒结 100 块钱的帐钱时，却只有科林一个人掏钱。
“I pulled out money and I was the only one that had any ,” the 28-year-old bartender remembers. His friend had conveniently “forgotten his wallet.”
“我掏出钱，就好像只有我喜欢带钱，” 28 岁的吧员回忆道。他的朋友会习惯性地“忘带”钱包。
Whether it’s stiffing drinking buddies with the check, bumming rides, “borrowing” cigarettes or sponging off meals, moochers can push the limits of friendship by making a habit of manipulating others to avoid paying their fair share.
Brandon Ward, a sports marketing executive in San Diego, got an early lesson in dealing with deadbeats. Now 37 and married, Ward readily remembers a former roommate who rarely picked up his fair share, including his portion of a weekend trip that involved four tanks of gas and three cases of beer.
布兰登·沃德是圣迭哥一个运动用品营销经理，以前和赖痞的人交往时得到过教训。 37 岁的沃德已结婚，他总会很容易记住以前的一位室友，那家伙罕有为自己买单的时候，就算是周末旅行用了 4 罐煤气， 3 箱啤酒，他也不会付自己该付的钱。
For Ward, it wasn’t so much the money as the principle. “He never pulled out his wallet. If he had even offered, there was a chance I would have said no. That was the big sin.”
No matter how charming they may be, a friend who mooches isn’t really a friend, says Jeanne Fleming, a financial ethics columnist for Money magazine who also holds a Ph.D in sociology. “Moochers are fundamentally motivated by being selfish and self-centered,” she says. “They habitually forgive their behavior. But the truth is that it’s complete self-indulgence. It’s not benign.”
From friend to freeloader
At what point does a friend become a mooch? It’s a matter of frequency.
“Everybody has at some point asked a friend for 20 bucks and forgotten to pay it back,” says Fleming, who researched relationship offenders for a book she co-authored with Leonard Schwarz, her “Money” magazine writing partner. But mooching begins when reciprocating ends. Or maybe when you start asking the tightwad to pick up his fare share of expenses.
“每个人总会有向朋友借过 20 块钱，并且忘了钱的时候，”弗兰明说。弗兰明曾为和施瓦兹合著的书而研究过关系破坏者。施瓦兹也是她的“金钱”杂志写作搭档。当不能互相回报时就会被认为贪便宜。或是当你开始要求这个吝啬鬼付他们自己的钱时。
When the authors asked 800 people nationwide to choose between a relative hitting them up for a large loan or getting a bad case of the flu, over two-thirds said they’d take the flu. That may be because 36 percent of Americans in the survey had at least one family member who is a moocher, and 32 percent were saddled with a deadbeat friend.
作者在全国范围内对 800 人进行调查，问他们是愿意被亲戚朋友追讨大额借款还是愿意得一次重感冒。超过三分之二的人说他们宁愿选择得一次重感冒（也不愿被亲戚朋友追债）。这一结果可能显示出被调查者中 36% 的人至少有一位家庭成员是个爱占便宜的人， 32% 的人忍受着赖痞的朋友。
Fleming and Schwarz also questioned 1,000 adults across the country for another survey and found that a whopping 95 percent had lent money to friends or family members. Over a third of those had lent more than $1,000. And the chances of seeing their money again? Forty-three percent weren’t repaid in full for the largest loan they ever made to friends or relatives, and 27 percent were never repaid at all.
弗兰明和施瓦兹还在全国范围内对 1000 名成年人作过调查，发现有 95% 的人曾借钱给自己的朋友或亲戚。超过三分之一的人借出的钱在 1000 块以上。那有多少人要回了他们借出的钱呢？ 43% 的人借出的钱没有完全收回，还有 27% 的人从来就没有看到过还的钱。
But mooching isn’t limited to money, which can make it harder to know when to draw the line. Take 35-year-old journalist Colin Sullivan of San Francisco. As a writer for Greenwire.com, he says he takes pains to minimize his carbon footprint, and carpooling is a one effective tactic.
但是占便宜不只是在金钱上，这使得很难去划分一个人到贪便宜的行列。就拿旧金山 35 岁的记者苏里万来说。作为 Greenwire.com 网站的撰稿人，他说他想尽办法减少自己二氧化碳的足迹，于是拼车就是最有效的办法了。
But when a close friend adopted a habit of bumming rides — “He’s the kind of guy who would just assume that if we were going somewhere that I would be picking him up” — Sullivan felt torn between being environmentally responsible and being a chauffeur. Even then, Sullivan chalked it up to his friend being “a tight-ass about money,” which he believes isn’t the worst fault in the world.
Fleming sees it another way: Cars are expensive to own and operate. “They think they’re being green and maybe they are,” she says, “but they’re also mooches.”
Ending the free ride
Moochers are successful because people are sheepish about confronting them, says Fleming. “You’re not supposed to care about money,” she says.”You’re not supposed to notice when your friends are flawed on this front.” And by the time you do notice, it’s often difficult to break the pattern.
Dealing with moochers is tricky even for etiquette experts like Lizzie Post, who keeps an eye on America’s “civility barometer” at the Emily Post Institute in Vermont. Even the great-great-granddaughter of America’s manners matriarch has had to request repayment for small loans and dinners out. But she, too, understands how it’s tempting to let uncomfortable matters slide.
“It’s hard because these issues aren’t etiquette,” she says, “they’re more social and relationship issues.”
But it’s not impossible. Suggestions from the experts include nipping the habit in the bud by learning to say no — politely — to loans, tabs and rides. Post advises planning ahead by deciding whose turn it is to pay before you even leave the house. And if that’s not possible, you can always ask for separate checks.
If your moocher is a close friend, you may want to give him a chance to change. But a perfectly reasonable response to repeat offenders is to drop the friendship. That may actually turn out to be a favor because mooching is a self-correcting habit, says Fleming. “If a moocher loses enough friends, they modify their behavior.”
And that’s ultimately how Ward handled his old friend, the deadbeat roommate.
After their one-sided weekend vacation, Ward joined his roommate and others at a local pub for a few rounds of beer. Everyone took turns buying, but when it was the roommate’s turn to pay, he was — where else? — in the bathroom. The second time he tried the disappearing act, Ward called him on it.
“I don’t remember inviting him out again,” says Ward.
LifeWire provides original and syndicated lifestyle content to web publishers. Liane Yvkoff is a freelance writer in San Francisco.
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Nothing kills a night out with friends like people trying to dodge the check. One person may regularly “forget” his wallet. Another doesn’t protest — ever — when you offer to pick up the tab.
Ongoing spending differences may strain your relationships and hurt your financial goals. A budget calculator will reveal just how generous you can afford to be. But if you’re unhappy with a friend who consistently doesn’t pay her share, fix it before resentment takes hold. Here’s how:
IDENTIFY THE UNDERLYING ISSUE
You will have a range of financial personalities among friends. Sort out the ones you can live with from the ones who make you feel shortchanged.
■ The nickel-and-dimer: Some friends prefer to pay only for what they consumed, down to the penny, even when the group wants to split the check evenly.
While stinginess isn’t exactly mooching, it may breed a similar feeling of resentment. Still, though your friend’s preference is different from yours, there’s nothing inherently wrong with it. In this instance, it’s up to you to accept your friend can’t or doesn’t want to pay extra, and move on.
“A sensitive friend looks at the big picture and says, ‘OK, this might be a quirk that I don’t have, but it’s also probably the fairest way to go about this,'” says Andrea Bonior, a clinical psychologist and author of “The Friendship Fix.”
That’s especially true if your friend forgoes costly cocktails or orders less-expensive dishes. A number of mobile apps exist to simplify check-splitting.
■ The cash-crunched: A friend who is between jobs or who just put a security deposit on a new apartment might not have spare fun money. But if he’s not a frequent bill dodger and you want to go out with him, picking up the tab occasionally is fine, says Irene S. Levine, a psychologist and creator of The Friendship Blog . Again, understanding your own budget constraints can help you gauge the right frequency.
If your friend’s cash crunch is longer-term — he has a lower-paying job than you, say — consider cheaper entertainment like a night at home binge-watching “RuPaul’s Drag Race.” You’ll save money and patience, and your friend won’t feel endlessly indebted to you.
■ The chronic freeloader: The trouble starts when your generosity becomes expected. Some friends actively avoid paying their share. Perhaps they conveniently retire to the bathroom before the check comes or, when you travel together, don’t reimburse you for the hotel until months later, if at all. This can lead to anger and bitterness. If you care about saving the friendship, a mature, respectful discussion is your next step.
Instead of holding a grudge, Bonior suggests you pick a time to have a private conversation that’s not in the moment — not, for instance, when your friend says her paycheck is late and she’ll cover drinks next time.
When you’re in a place where you both feel comfortable, say, “This is really awkward, but remember when you put that concert ticket on my credit card? You still haven’t paid me back, and I could really use the money.” Or “I feel a little frustrated because you haven’t thrown in cash for drinks lately.”
Go with “I” statements, which focus the conversation on how you feel, rather than attacking your friend’s character.
KNOW WHEN TO MOVE ON
Friends may take time to address your concerns. But if three months later the same issues continue to crop up, say something. Again. If you have a sense of how much money you’ve expended covering shortfalls since you first talked, let your friend know. At this point, it may be time to re-evaluate your relationship.
“If a friendship consistently makes you feel drained, put upon, used or stressed, it’s time to move on,” Levine says.
That doesn’t require announcing your friendship is over. Start by turning down your friend’s invitations and slowly extricating yourself from daily interactions. If your friend asks what’s going on, you can be honest; but remember you don’t have to feel guilty for letting the friendship fizzle. Your happiness — and bank account — are too precious to squander.
You will have a range of financial personalities among friends. The nickel-and-dimer is the one who prefers to pay only for what he’s consumed, down to the penny, even when the group wants to split the check evenly.
(Nicholas Hunt/Getty Images)
Nothing kills a night out with friends like people trying to dodge the check. One person may regularly “forget” his wallet. Another doesn’t protest — ever — when you offer to pick up the tab.
Ongoing spending differences may strain your relationships and hurt your financial goals. A budget calculator will reveal just how generous you can afford to be. But if you’re unhappy with a friend who consistently doesn’t pay her share, fix it before resentment takes hold. Here’s how.
Identify the underlying issue
You will have a range of financial personalities among friends. Sort out the ones you can live with from the ones who make you feel shortchanged.
The nickel-and-dimer: Some friends prefer to pay only for what they consumed, down to the penny, even when the group wants to split the check evenly.
While stinginess isn’t exactly mooching, it may breed a similar feeling of resentment. Still, though your friend’s preference is different from yours, there’s nothing inherently wrong with it. In this instance, it’s up to you to accept your friend can’t or doesn’t want to pay extra, and move on.
“A sensitive friend looks at the big picture and says, ‘OK, this might be a quirk that I don’t have, but it’s also probably the fairest way to go about this,'” says Andrea Bonior, a clinical psychologist and author of “The Friendship Fix.”
That’s especially true if your friend forgoes costly cocktails or orders less-expensive dishes. A number of mobile apps exist to simplify check-splitting.
The cash-crunched: A friend who is between jobs or who just put a security deposit on a new apartment might not have spare fun money. But if he’s not a frequent bill dodger and you want to go out with him, picking up the tab occasionally is fine, says Irene S. Levine, a psychologist and creator of The Friendship Blog. Again, understanding your own budget constraints can help you gauge the right frequency.
If your friend’s cash crunch is longer-term — he has a lower-paying job than you, say — consider cheaper entertainment like a night at home binge-watching “RuPaul’s Drag Race.” You’ll save money and patience, and your friend won’t feel endlessly indebted to you.
The chronic freeloader: The trouble starts when your generosity becomes expected. Some friends actively avoid paying their share. Perhaps they conveniently retire to the bathroom before the check comes or, when you travel together, don’t reimburse you for the hotel until months later, if at all. This can lead to anger and bitterness. If you care about saving the friendship, a mature, respectful discussion is your next step.
Talk it out
Instead of holding a grudge, Bonior suggests you pick a time to have a private conversation that’s not in the moment — not, for instance, when your friend says her paycheck is late and she’ll cover drinks next time.
When you’re in a place where you both feel comfortable, say, “This is really awkward, but remember when you put that concert ticket on my credit card? You still haven’t paid me back, and I could really use the money.” Or “I feel a little frustrated because you haven’t thrown in cash for drinks lately.”
Go with “I” statements, which focus the conversation on how you feel, rather than attacking your friend’s character.
Know when to move on
Friends may take time to address your concerns. But if three months later the same issues continue to crop up, say something. Again. If you have a sense of how much money you’ve expended covering shortfalls since you first talked, let your friend know. At this point, it may be time to re-evaluate your relationship.
“If a friendship consistently makes you feel drained, put upon, used or stressed, it’s time to move on,” Levine says.
That doesn’t require announcing your friendship is over. Start by turning down your friend’s invitations and slowly extricating yourself from daily interactions. If your friend asks what’s going on, you can be honest; but remember you don’t have to feel guilty for letting the friendship fizzle. Your happiness — and bank account — are too precious to squander.
Brianna McGurran is a staff writer at NerdWallet. Email: [email protected] Twitter: @briannamcscribe.
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Mellody Hobson lends advice for dealing with clinging family and friends.
Oct. 6, 2009 — When Penny Campbell got divorced and started having financial trouble, she asked her older sister Lisa Griffith if she could move into Griffith and her husband’s Texas home temporarily in order to get back on her feet.
That was six years ago.
Though Campbell has been trying desperately to become financially independent again and has moved out several times, she’s always had to move back in. Now, she’s something of a permanent fixture in the Griffith family, paying a small amount of rent while she finishes school.
Regardless of her intentions to the contrary, Campbell has become a financial freeloader, according to “Good Morning America” financial contributor Mellody Hobson.
How do you say no to family or friends that seem to need your help? It’s a sticky situation, but Hobson stopped by “GMA” to show how you can first spot the freeloaders and then how to deal with them effectively, without abandoning them.
Freeloading? The Sisters Campbell and Griffith Under Stress
When Campbell struggled through divorce and devastating financial setbacks, she fell back on her sister for support.
“I’m lucky I have family to turn to, through the good times and the bad,” she said.
But soon things got so bad financially that she had to leave her three children and father in Montana and relocate to Texas where Griffith lived so she could move in with the couple and their 17-year-old son and save money.
“I don’t want her to fail at all,” Griffith said. “She’s very smart. She works really hard. I didn’t want her to worry about those finances, but live here for financial reasons.”
Despite working a full-time job in law enforcement and working part-time at a local department store, Campbell has not made any progress financially in the six years since she moved in.
“I haven’t been able to save any money. It’s one of those things where I look at my paycheck and I’m like, ‘Where did my money go?’ I know I get paid this amount a month, and by the end of that paycheck, it’s already gone,” Campbell said.
But Campbell’s not the only one getting frustrated; Griffith is also feeling the growing strain.
“I feel like she does take advantage of us sometimes,” Griffith said. “Being a family member, she feels that she can be late on rent and not communicate that she’s going to do that. She just becomes so defensive. I approached her, she didn’t approach me.”
Campbell asked her sister if she could stay in the home until she finishes school, about another nine months.
“I didn’t want to do it, but I thought what’s another year almost, nine months, whatever,” Griffith said. “And so I said that’s fine. If that’s what you got to do, that’s fine.”
Mellody Hobson on Financial Freeloaders
The financial situation is tearing at the sister’s relationship.
“It has affected our relationship in a negative way, in a way that I wish wasn’t there,” Griffith said. “I want her to have a great life. That’s all I’ve ever wanted for her.”
“I get frustrated because I am not at the point where I thought I would be,” Campbell said through tears. “If I sat here and said I’m not doing anything to turn it around. but I am.”
According to Hobson, the first thing to know is whether a family or friend has become a freeloader. There are several warning signs.
Picking Out the Freeloaders
He or she repeatedly comes back for money.
If the same person is constantly coming back for money, or in Campbell’s case relying on her sister for six years, Hobson said they are freeloading.
“When you’re dealing with someone where it’s a repeat situation…you’ve got to say no,” Hobson said. “It’s very, very difficult, but you need to say no.”
Someone who is truly in need will ask for help once or twice as a last resort and then figure out a way to make ends meet, she said.
He or she buys luxuries instead of necessities.
If a friend or relative uses your money to buy things that they want but don’t need, they definitely crossed the line into freeloading, Hobson said.
He or she acts like a victim.
Another way to spot a freeloader is to see if they seem to have stopped helping themselves. Hobson said if they start acting like a victim and only feel as though other people can solve their problems, then they are freeloading.
In that situation, Hobson says, “you’ve got to put the ball in their court and have them take control of their life.”
Dealing With a Freeloader
After you’ve identified your freeloader, you need to take steps to curb their freeloading habits, Hobson said.
Set clear boundaries on help.
First, tell whoever you’re helping exactly how you’re going to help them. The person who you are helping should be able to say exactly why they need the assistance and what they’re going to do with whatever help they get, Hobson said. For Griffith and Campbell, Hobson suggested sitting down to communicate frustrations.
Jeopardizing your relationship is “just not worth it,” Hobson said. “Talk about these issues openly.”
Don’t go into debt helping others.
While Hobson said she would not suggest turning down everyone that asks for help, you have to be careful not to enable those you do help. It’s definitely time to stop when your help is more than you can afford, she said. Both of you going into debt is the worst case for everyone involved — “you can’t put yourself in peril.”
Helping a Freeloader Become Financially Independent
There are two major things you can do to help make sure a freeloader doesn’t need your help in the future: give non-financial help and develop a financial plan with them.
Give non-financial help.
To help a freeloader get back on their feet, you can help by finding out what their goals are and how they are going to achieve them, Hobson said. Paying for a resume or a job hunting seminar can pay off if they’re out of work. Whatever it may be, it’s important to provide them the tools to get back on their feet.
Help with a financial plan.
A financial plan can help organize your freeloader. According to the financial planning Web site Simplifi, only 5 percent of Americans have a written financial plan, but they have found that if you have a written plan, you are 250 percent more likely to achieve your financial goals.
“If you are going to give [someone] money, put it in the form of a loan,” Hobson advises. “That will help the situation and help them take responsibility and accountability for what is going on.”
Freeloading Kids
It may seem like special circumstances when the freeloader is your child, but according to Hobson, establishing boundaries is still important.
If they have a job but are living at home, they should be paying rent, she said. Beyond that, consider charging a maintenance fee or requiring that they help out with household chores.
Hobson doesn’t recommend these measures purely for financial reasons but also to teach responsibility, she said.
Moving Forward
Since “GMA” visited Campbell and Griffith, the situation has changed.
Penny Campbell has moved out and gotten her own apartment.
“She felt she needed to make a change,” Hobson said.
