Enjoy some of Tommy Cooper’s best gags that are about to go on show in museum – The Sun

COMEDY legend  Tommy Cooper was famous for brilliant gags,  red fez and  shambolic magic tricks.

But in private he was a stickler for routine, insisting  his  jokes were arranged “just like that” in alphabetic order.

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Thousands of his gags, props and photos are to  go on display at London’s Victoria and Albert Museum  later this autumn.

The 116-box archive   contains hand-written jokes and a list of where  props were to be used in his routines.

Tommy, a master of witty wordplay, died in 1984, aged 63, after collapsing on stage from a heart attack.Here, CHERRY WILSON brings you some of his best lines.

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I said to the waiter: “There is no chicken in this chicken soup.” He said: “There’s no horse in the horseradish either.”

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

I was a dancer once in Swan Lake. I fell in.

Last night I slept like a log. I woke up in the fireplace.

I bought some pork chops and told the butcher to make them lean. He said: “Which way?”

You know what a racehorse is ? . . An  animal that can take several thousand people for a ride at the same time.

I’m on a whisky diet . . . last week I lost three days.

Never trust an undertaker. He’ll always let you down.

Two blondes walk into a building  . . . you’d think at least one of them would have seen it

I said to the doctor “Can you give me something for my liver?” He gave me a pound of onions.

My wife said: “Take me in your arms and whisper something soft and sweet.” I said: “Chocolate fudge.”

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says: “Well, I can clearly see you’re nuts.”

The plumber asked the woman: “Where is the drip?” She said: “He’s in the bathroom trying to fix the leak.”

Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other: “Your round.” The other one says, “So are you, you fat . . !”

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I tried to fight fire with fire and then I remembered firemen usually use water.

My wife complained that her feet hurt. I said: “You’ve got your shoes on the wrong feet.” She said: “But these are the only feet I’ve got.”

I went to see my doctor and he said: “I want you to lie down on the couch.”  I said: “What for?” He said: “I want to sweep up.”

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any

My wife had a go at me last night. She said: “You’ll drive me to my grave.”  I had the car out in 30 seconds.

So I said to the taxi driver: “King Arthur’s Close.” He said: “Don’t worry, we’ll lose him at the next set of lights.”

I told my mum I’d opened a theatre. She said: “Are you having me on?” I said: “I’ll give you an audition but I’m not promising anything.”

Gambling has really brought our family together. We had to move to a smaller house.

I was going to tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn’t get a reaction.

I thought about working in a mirror factory. I could really see myself in that job.

A policeman came up to me with a  pencil and a piece of very thin paper and he said: “I want you to trace someone for me.”

When I was in the Army,  the  sergeant said to me: “What does  surrender mean?” I said: “I give up.”

My wife does really good bird imitations. She watches me like hawk.

I said to a girl in a shop: “I want to buy a hat.” She said: “Fedora?” I said: “No, for myself.”